Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Randomize
