i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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