I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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