we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
