I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
