i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
