Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
