Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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