i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
