I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
