Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
