At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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