So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
