Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
