Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
