My underwear smells like fireworks.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
