I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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