from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
