woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
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This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
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Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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