I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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