Need sex. Gaining weight.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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