She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
