Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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