oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
