When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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