I cannot find my penis.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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