I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
and she was petting her beer can
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
