Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
