3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
