apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
