i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
