when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
