her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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