woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Someone shattered a urinal.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's shark week go big or go home
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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