i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
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alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
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Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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