Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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