I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
