When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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