the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
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His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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