Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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