Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
