I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
