Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just forgot I was standing up.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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