Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
