Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
