I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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