So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
