Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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