took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
