You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
