i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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