i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
