I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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