You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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