Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
