I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
